It has been six months since my last blog entry. In that time life has continued to take me on a whirlwind of adventure, mystery, and a continuation of the dance with the unknown. I am talking about surrender, challenges to rise, moments of grace, moments of pain, divinity, friendship, family, community, tests of faith, meetings with strangers, awe-inspiring sights, simple moments, growth, reflection, expansion, stillness, and everything in between. Honestly, I cannot fully convey, nor remember every little thing that has happened in six months time, and the truth is it does not matter. I realize I am not passionate about blogging. It seems that so many people are feverishly pushing out their blogs, craving attention to be read. "Read my blog. New post. Read my thoughts," etc.. Personally, I have been feeling an internal conflict between bragging about my life (because it truly is awesome), versus leaving something meaningful behind, and savoring these experiences for myself. The more vulnerability I practice in the real world with real people away from my phone, the more private I yearn to become. I do not feel compelled to post all the time whether on Facebook, Instagram, or otherwise, even though I frequently have these post-able moments. Sometimes, I capture; most of the time, I just savor.
Presently, I am at home in Sun Valley, CA. It is Sunday, September 25th; today would have been my father's 62nd Birthday. It has been nearly 10 years this coming November since he has passed. My father was quite a man, he embodied so many archetypal figures that I am just barely starting to grasp and understand. My father, Hernando "Waters" Martinez, played the Hero, the Devil, the Protector, the Champion, the Warrior, the Beast, the Child, the Fool, the Irresponsible One, the Loner, the Manipulator, the Victim, and so on. As I reflect on his life, I reflect on my own. What archetypes have I played? Which ones do I embody? Which ones are former, which ones are my future? The more I become aligned with my own path, my past, and my future, the more I see my reality and life as a whole.
Yet, at this present moment there is this gnawing, this void, this feeling that I just want to stop. How much beauty can one take? How much grace can one feel, see, hear, and know? I feel like I have hit an overload. The signs are always all around me. I see the repetition of numbers (1:11, 11:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44), I see the signs all around, in the clouds, and sometimes in my beer.
Yet, at this present moment there is this gnawing, this void, this feeling that I just want to stop. How much beauty can one take? How much grace can one feel, see, hear, and know? I feel like I have hit an overload. The signs are always all around me. I see the repetition of numbers (1:11, 11:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44), I see the signs all around, in the clouds, and sometimes in my beer.
 | While I feel blessed and in alignment, I also feel lost. Six months later I have grown, but what has changed? Six months later I find so much of myself stays and remains the same. Six months later and I am sill not afraid of tremendous joy or pain. Six months later and still I question my origins and name. Six months later I am overwhelmed with my life, magic, and gratitude. Six months later life is still nipping at my heels, and all I want to do is retreat in an internal cave and stay still. I need a vacation from my own life. I need a retreat from myself. I realize how hard this balance is between a full life and ill health. Once, I used to think I needed to save me from myself. Now that I am older, I feel this need to run away from the comfort to a place where there is none. I realize how toxic it can be to surrender to life with a say "yes" attitude, and yet how glorious it can be when you find yourself at different long and latitudes. What is the purpose of this writing? Well, that is up to you. Here I am writing to gain insights into my current thoughts and attitude. Alas, here is my thought for the day... |
"Life feels so full I want to throw up." - Mary Ann Martinez
